11 Ways to Make the Empress Smile (An allegory in real time and in real life)

(Note: This is intended to be ironic, not literal. If you cannot appreciate irony, look the word up first before reading any further)

1. Stage a walk-out during your own trial for taking over a posh condotel by kidnapping your own witness with the aid of your armed and unarmed escorts. Make sure to look heroic, in the best traditions of Gringo Honasan, while doing so.

2. After yay walk-out, march (actually walk) from the court room to the nearest (actually not really because Mandarin is nearer; perhaps they're not so fond of the Captain's Bar) posh hotel while gazing at the camera and saying "sumali na kayo." Remember not to smile, the better to look authoritative (never mind that it makes you look pretend-intimidating)

3. Ask Ces Drilon to be your personal walk-out/protest/faux people power ad nauseam commentator (what's with the headband, Ces? sorry to disappoint, the headband works with Juday or Jolens; guess what you don't have and the two have) while walking to yay not necessarily the nearest posh hotel.

4. At yay not necessarily the nearest posh hotel, go directly to the function room previously reserved for you, which happens to be at the 2nd floor and which requires passage through an imperious-looking stair case and balcony.

5. After closeting yourself in, oblige the media (let's not forget Ces Drilon) with occasional snippets of fiery (well, not really; more sparkly, if there is such a word) faux revolutionary language using such words as "abusive", "corrupt" and the like before retreating into yay closet, oh sorry, room.

6. Stroll authoritatively from time to time across yay imperious-looking balcony, the better to gaze imperiously at yay subjects below. Make sure to not say anything but to look absorbed in deep thought.

7. Give the occasional and obligatory firebrand rhetoric but only after ensuring that all the major networks are represented (let's not forget Ces Drilon) and that the camera angle captures your best side.

8. Closet yourself with the obligatory former Vice President (of the Philippines, of course), the running priest, the retired bishop, the retired and tired looking UP President, the bearded former Congressman-lawyer and the really noisy Argee Guevarra and of course, Ces Drilon-- the better to use as human shields (what? you didn't tell them they would be human shields? Oh no. Oh well, they'll find out soon; I hope they don't mind too much)

9. As the video cameras roll, nonchalantly disregard the 3 pm deadline set by the PNP special action force and equally nonchalantly ignore the police surrounding yay posh hotel and taking pot shots at God knows what while privately freaking out ("where are my crowds? where are the masses? Erap! Jojo! Where are you?")

10. After a few canisters of tear gas are lobbed inside and 3 simba tanks barge through the lobby of yay posh hotel, emerge from yay imperial balcony and proclaim that you are surrendering to avoid loss of life to innocent civilians (not minding that yay innocent civilians would not have been in harms way in the first place had not yay posh hotel been taken over--a minor fact that many people in yay faux revolution conveniently forget).

11. Surrender in full view of the cameras and make sure to look stoic (stoic=heroic, get it?) while being pushed around and herded while handcuffed into a prison bus.

In the meantime, the Empress-Dictator smiles as she imposes a five-hour curfew and her grumbling subjects scramble home to make it in time.